Conversations with Scottish Labour Leafleters, May 2015

Okay, here we go. This article has been the main driving force between setting this blog up. I’ve spent a fair while thinking about how best to express my frustrations with Scottish Labour – the party that swallowed hard, took sides with their allegedly sworn enemies the Tories, and systematically misrepresented and belittled everything said by the Yes campaign in order to try and save their own hides and gift Ed Miliband the 2015 General Election.

At the moment, it doesn’t look like there’s much chance of that happening. But there’s no harm in making sure, eh? And so, I present to you a recommended script to print off, learn, and recite when a poor, wet-behind-the-ears Labour leafleter comes a-knocking at your front door next May.

To my mind, it’s pretty powerful as it stands – but this is where the power of social media comes in. If you like it, SHARE IT, and get as many people reading it as possible. That way, the Scottish electorate will be perfectly placed to deliver a clear, unambiguous and overpowering message to Scottish Labour and their Westminster masters next may – and maybe they’ll have a clearer understanding of just why they’ve lost the General Election to a Tory-UKIP coalition, hateful though I find that prospect.

Lights go up on a quiet suburban cul-de-sac / brightly lit stairwell in a block of flats / well-to-do country house…


Self: “Oh, good morning / afternoon / evening! [DELETE AS APPROPRIATE]”

Leafleter: “Hi there! I was wondering if you’d thought about how you’re going to vote in the election on [INSERT DATE HERE]?”

S: “Well, obviously I’ve tried to give it a bit of thought – you know, having a read of the policies and so on – always good to keep informed, haha!”

L: “Oh well, in that case [chuckles], I-hi-hi’d better let you have one of these, ahahaha!”

S: “Yep sure – that’s great, thanks, Could I have another one of those, please, for my wife / husband / housemate / flatmate [DELETE AS APPROPRIATE] ?”

L: “Sure, no problem – here you go!”

S: “That’s great, thanks.”

S: “You seem like a very nice person. I’m sorry to have to do this to you.”

“I listened to your party in September 2014. I heard them claim that they understood the concerns of the Scottish people, that they were keen to listen to those concerns, and that they would vow to deliver more powers in the event of a No vote in the referendum. I watched Ed Miliband break that vow within 24 hours of the result being announced.”

“Your actions in the independence referendum have been the single biggest betrayal of the wishes of the Scottish electorate in living memory, which is pretty impressive for the party responsible for the expenses scandal, the global financial crisis and the entirely unnecessary deaths of hundreds of British soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan. I am appalled at the depths to which Labour has sunk since the untimely deaths of John Smith in Westminster and Donald Dewar in Holyrood – both men would be utterly sickened and ashamed at the way their beloved party has gone on to systematically destroy everything it ever stood for. I will *never* vote for Scottish Labour again; I consider you more morally bankrupt than the Liberal Democrats!”

“And I have taken Friday the [INSERT DATE AFTER ELECTION] of May as a holiday, so that I can sit up to watch every result come in; and I will cheer every time a Scottish Labour politician loses their seat!! AND I WILL DRINK CHILLED CHAMPAGNE WHEN YOUR PARTY ARE OBLITERATED ACROSS THE WHOLE OF SCOTLAND, EVEN WHEN IT MEANS THAT BORIS JOHNSON AND NIGEL FARAGE WILL BE RUNNING THE COUNTRY!!!



If enough people get on board, this has the potential to be awesome. Imagine it:

– A poor wee Labour leafleter sent scurrying to hide in the next block, only for the person behind the next door he knocks on to be armed with the same script!

– A neighbour overhears the impassioned debate, and listens in, thinking “Ah yes – must remember not to vote Labour next week”. Or even better, they walk over to your doorway and join in from their own copy of the script!

– A committed family with too much time on their hands open the door and sing the whole thing in four-part barbershop harmony to the poor sod clutching the red rag!

It expresses the frustration of the Scottish electorate. It’s punchy, persuasive, dramatic and entirely justified. What’s not to like??

Share far and wide, people. It’s time Scotland fought back.


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